第一辑 一八五五年
第一章 我的童年
我于公元1827年11月26日出生于美国缅因州的戈勒姆。我的父亲姓哈门名罗伯特，母亲名友尼基，他们多年居住缅因州。他们早年加入卫理公会，而且是热心虔诚的教友，曾在教会担任重要职务，四十年来致力于劝化罪人，并从事建设上帝的圣工。在这些年间，他们欢欢喜喜地看见自己的八个儿女都已悔改归入基督的羊圈。但他们于1843年接受了复临的信仰，全家脱离了卫理公会。{1T 9.1}
当我还作孩子的时候，我的父母从戈勒姆搬到了缅因州的波特兰。在这里，当我九岁的那年，一件不幸的事故临到了我，以致影响到我整个的一生。有一天我和我的孪生姐姐并一个同学一同走过波特兰的市府公地，当时有一个年约十三岁的女孩为了一点小事生气，追着我们，威胁着要打我们。我们的父母曾教导我们决不要与别人争斗，但如果我们有遭到侮辱或伤害的危险，就赶紧回家。于是我们拼命往家跑，但那个姑娘紧追不舍，手里拿着一块石头。我回头看她离我有多远，她就把石头扔了过来，打中我的鼻子上。我被石头击伤，随即失去知觉，晕倒在地。{1T 9.2}
当我醒来的时候，发现自己是在一家商店里。我的衣服上都是血。我鼻子里的血一直流到地上。有一位和善的陌生人自愿用他的马车送我回家，但我当时还不知道自己是多么软弱，便告诉他说我宁愿自己走回家去，而不愿因血弄脏他的马车。当时在场的人都没有想到我所受的伤是那么的严重，竟让我照着我想要的走回去；可是我只走了几十步，就觉得头晕目眩；于是我的孪生姐姐和同学便把我抬回了家里。{1T 10.1}
在遭遇这次不幸以后的一段时期，我什么事都不记得了。母亲说，那时我什么也不理会，只是昏昏迷迷地睡了三个星期。当时没有人相信我会复原的，只有母亲，她总是感觉到我会活下去。一位平时很关心我的好心邻居，一度认为我快要死了。她希望为我买一件葬礼时穿的衣服，但母亲说先不要买，因为她觉得我不会死。{1T 10.2}
及至我神智恢复之后，仿佛觉得是从梦中醒来。我完全忘记了这件意外的事，也不晓得病的原因。我开始稍微恢复了一点体力，听到来看我的人说：“真可怜！”“我简直认不出她了！”我就感到很奇怪。我要来了一面镜子，往里一看，不禁为我的容貌改变大吃一惊。我脸上的所有部位似乎都走了样。我的鼻骨断了，造成了破相。{1T 10.3}
一想到不幸可能要伴随着我终生，我简直无法忍受。我觉得我在世上一点也不快乐。我不想活了，但我又怕死，因为我还没有做好准备。来看我的朋友都用同情的眼光看着我，劝我父母起诉那个照他们所说是毁了我的姑娘的父亲。但我的母亲不愿诉讼。她说如果这样做能换回我的健康和容貌，倒是也值得，但这是不可能的，所以还是不因接受这样的建议而与人结怨为好。{1T 10.4}
医生们认为可以把一根银丝放在我的鼻子里托住，以保持其形状。但手术会非常痛苦，他们担心用处不大，因为我已经失去了那么多血，并受过这么严重的精神打击，不知能否恢复过来。他们认为即使我复原了，也活不长。我已变得骨瘦如柴了。{1T 11.1}
这时我开始祈求主为死亡预备我。当一些信主的朋友到家里来拜访时，他们就问我的母亲有没有和我谈过死的问题。我听到了这话便大为警觉。我渴望成为一个基督徒，所以恳切祈求上帝饶恕我的罪。结果我的内心得到了平安，我便觉得我很爱每一个人，同时也渴望人人的罪都能得到赦免，并且像我一样地爱耶稣。{1T 11.2}
我记得很清楚，在一个冬夜，有雪覆地，天光明亮，天色通红，风云激荡，似要开阖，而雪看起来象血一样。邻居们都很害怕。母亲把我抱出床，带我到窗户那里。我很快乐；以为耶稣要来了，我渴望见到祂。我满心喜乐，高兴得直拍手，以为我的苦难就要结束了。但我失望了；异常的天象消失了，第二天早上，太阳仍旧象往常一样升起。{1T 11.3}
我的体力恢复得很慢。当我能和我的年轻朋友们一起玩时，就被迫学到了一个痛苦的教训，就是我们的个人外貌往往使我们受到同伴的不同待遇。在我遭遇不幸的那段时间，我父亲不在，他在乔治亚州。当他回来时，他拥抱了我的弟兄姐妹们，然后问到了我。我羞怯地退到后边，被妈妈指了出来，但我自己的父亲都认不出我了。对他来说，很难相信我就是他的小爱伦，他只不过离开了几个月，之前我还是一个健康快乐的小孩。这深深刺痛了我的感情，但我尽力显得愉快，虽然我的心似乎要碎了。{1T 11.4}
在童年的那些日子，我多次深深感到自己的不幸。我的感觉异乎寻常地敏感，使我很不开心。我往往因受了伤的自尊心，和精神上感到的羞辱和困苦，而寻求独处，郁闷地思想自己注定每日要忍受的考验。{1T 12.1}
我无法用流泪减轻痛苦。我不能想哭就哭，象我的孪生姐姐一样；虽然我心情沉重，疼得就象要裂开一样，但我不能流一滴泪。我常常觉得要是能哭个不停，就能大大解除我的悲伤了。有时，朋友们仁慈的同情消除了我的郁闷，并一度除掉了压在我心上的沉重负担。那时，对我来说，地上的享乐似乎是多么虚空啊！我年经同伴们的友谊是多么容易改变啊！然而这些小同学还不象大世界的多数人。一个漂亮的面孔，一件好看的衣服，就吸引了他们；但若让不幸把这些夺走，脆弱的友谊就渐渐冷淡或破裂了。但是当我转向我的救主时，祂安慰了我。我在自己的苦恼中恳切寻求主，就得了安慰。我感到确信，耶稣甚至连我都爱。{1T 12.2}
我的健康似乎是无可挽救的。两年之久，我不能用鼻子呼吸，更不能常到学校里去。我好像不可能念书，也记不住自己所学的东西。那使我遭到不幸的女孩子已被教员派作班长，她的责任之一就是帮助我学习写字并预备其他的功课。她似乎常为击伤我的事而表示诚心的懊悔，而我却总是避免使她想起此事。她是温柔忍耐地看待我，既见我在极不利的条件下求学，就常显出忧伤和惦念之意。{1T 12.3}
我的神经衰弱了，我的两手震颤，以致在练习写字时没有多少进步，而只能粗笨地写出几个简单的字。当我勉强看书时，只见书上的字都聚成一堆，同时我的额上迸出大点的汗珠，我便感觉头昏脑胀。我咳嗽得厉害，而且我的全身似乎非常虚弱。我的老师都劝我暂时停学，等我的健康有了进步之后再来读书。要我年轻的生命向虚弱的身体低头，要我作出决定离开学校，放弃受教育的希望，真是太难了。{1T 13.1}
三年以后，我再度尝试接受教育。但是当我试图再开始读书时，我的身体却很快地衰弱了，显然我若坚持继续读下去，就必付上我的生命为代价。十二岁以后，我就再也没有上学了。{1T 13.2}
我曾有很大的志向要成为一名学者。当我思想我受挫的希望，并想到我要终身残废时，就不甘心自己的命分，不时抱怨上帝的天意这样使我受苦。要是我向母亲敞开心意，她原本会教导我，安慰我，鼓励我；但我向我的家人和朋友们隐瞒了自己的苦恼情绪，恐怕他们不能理解我。在我生病期间所享有的对我救主之爱的快乐信任消失了。我在世上快乐的前景破灭了，天国似乎也向我关闭了。{1T 13.3}
I was born at Gorham, Maine, November 26, 1827. My parents, Robert and Eunice Harmon, were for many years residents of this state. In early life they became earnest and devoted members of the Methodist Episcopal Church. In that church they held prominent connection, and labored for the conversion of sinners, and to build up the cause of God, for a period of forty years. During this time they had the joy of seeing their children, eight in number, all converted and gathered into the fold of Christ. Their decided second advent views, however, led to the separation of the family from the Methodist Church in the year 1843.{1T 9.1}[1]
While I was but a child, my parents removed from Gorham to Portland, Maine. Here, at the age of nine years, an accident happened to me which was to affect my whole life. In company with my twin sister and one of our schoolmates, I was crossing a common in the city of Portland, when a girl about thirteen years of age, becoming angry at some trifle, followed us, threatening to strike us. Our parents had taught us never to contend with anyone, but if we were in danger of being abused or injured, to hasten home at once. We were doing this with all speed, but the girl followed us as rapidly, with a stone in her hand. I turned my head to see how far she was behind me, and as I did so, she threw the stone, and it hit me on the nose. I was stunned by the blow and fell senseless to the ground. {1T 9.2}[2]
When consciousness returned, I found myself in a merchant's store; my garments were covered with blood, which was pouring from my nose and streaming over the floor. A kind stranger offered to take me home in his carriage, but I, not realizing my weakness, told him that I preferred to walk home rather than soil his carriage with blood. Those present were not aware that my injury was so serious, and allowed me to do as I wished; but after walking only a few rods, I grew faint and dizzy. My twin sister and my schoolmate carried me home.{1T 10.1}[3]
I have no recollection of anything further for some time after the accident. My mother said that I noticed nothing, but lay in a stupor for three weeks. No one but herself thought it possible for me to recover; but for some reason she felt that I would live. A kind neighbor, who had been very much interested in my behalf, at one time thought me to be dying. She wished to purchase a burial robe for me, but my mother said, Not yet; for something told her that I would not die.{1T 10.2}[4]
When I again aroused to consciousness, it seemed to me that I had been asleep. I did not remember the accident, and was ignorant of the cause of my illness. As I began to gain a little strength, my curiosity was aroused by overhearing those who came to visit me say: "What a pity!" "I should not have known her," etc. I asked for a looking glass, and upon gazing into it, was shocked at the change in my appearance. Every feature of my face seemed changed. The bones of my nose had been broken, which caused this disfigurement.{1T 10.3}[5]
The thought of carrying my misfortune through life was insupportable. I could see no pleasure in my existence. I did not wish to live, and yet feared to die, for I was unprepared. Friends who visited us looked with pity upon me, and advised my parents to prosecute the father of the girl who had, as they said, ruined me. But my mother was for peace; she said that if such a course would bring me back my health and natural looks, there would be something gained; but as this was impossible, it was best not to make enemies by following such advice.{1T 10.4}[6]
Physicians thought that a silver wire might be put in my nose to hold it in shape. This would have been very painful, and they feared it would be of little use, as I had lost so much blood and sustained such a nervous shock, that my recovery was very doubtful. Even if I revived, it was their opinion that I could live but a short time. I was reduced almost to a skeleton.{1T 11.1}[7]
At this time I began to pray the Lord to prepare me for death. When Christian friends visited the family, they would ask my mother if she had talked to me about dying. I overheard this, and it roused me. I desired to become a Christian, and prayed earnestly for the forgiveness of my sins. I felt a peace of mind resulting, and loved everyone, feeling desirous that all should have their sins forgiven and love Jesus as I did.{1T 11.2}[8]
I well remember one night in winter when the snow was on the ground, the heavens were lighted up, the sky looked red and angry, and seemed to open and shut, while the snow looked like blood. The neighbors were very much frightened. Mother took me out of bed in her arms and carried me to the window. I was happy; I thought Jesus was coming, and I longed to see Him. My heart was full; I clapped my hands for joy, and thought my sufferings were ended. But I was disappointed; the singular appearance faded away from the heavens, and the next morning the sun rose the same as usual.{1T 11.3}[9]
I gained strength very slowly. As I became able to join in play with my young friends, I was forced to learn the bitter lesson that our personal appearance often makes a difference in the treatment we receive from our companions. At the time of my misfortune my father was absent in Georgia. When he returned, he embraced my brother and sisters, and then inquired for me. I, timidly shrinking back, was pointed out by my mother, but my own father did not recognize me. It was hard for him to believe that I was his little Ellen, whom he had left only a few months before a healthy, happy child. This cut my feelings deeply, but I tried to appear cheerful, though my heart seemed breaking.{1T 11.4}[10]
Many times in those childhood days I was made to feel my misfortune keenly. My feelings were unusually sensitive and caused me great unhappiness. Often with wounded pride, mortified and wretched in spirit, I sought a lonely place and gloomily pondered over the trials I was doomed daily to bear.{1T 12.1}[11]
The relief of tears was denied me. I could not weep readily, as could my twin sister; though my heart was heavy, and ached as if it were breaking, I could not shed a tear. I often felt that it would greatly relieve me to weep away my sorrow. Sometimes the kindly sympathy of friends banished my gloom and removed, for a time, the leaden weight that oppressed my heart. How vain and empty seemed the pleasures of earth to me then! how changeable the friendships of my young companions! Yet these little schoolmates were not unlike a majority of the great world's people. A pretty face, a handsome dress, attracts them; but let misfortune take these away, and the fragile friendship grows cold or is broken. But when I turned to my Saviour, He comforted me. I sought the Lord earnestly in my trouble, and received consolation. I felt assured that Jesus loved even me.{1T 12.2}[12]
My health seemed to be hopelessly impaired. For two years I could not breathe through my nose, and was able to attend school but little. It seemed impossible for me to study and to retain what I learned. The same girl who was the cause of my misfortune was appointed monitor by our teacher, and it was among her duties to assist me in my writing and other lessons. She always seemed sincerely sorry for the great injury she had done me, although I was careful not to remind her of it. She was tender and patient with me, and seemed sad and thoughtful as she saw me laboring under serious disadvantages to get an education.{1T 12.3}[13]
My nervous system was prostrated, and my hand trembled so that I made but little progress in writing, and could get no further than the simple copies in coarse hand. As I endeavored to bend my mind to my studies, the letters on the page would run together, great drops of perspiration would stand upon my brow, and a faintness and dizziness would seize me. I had a bad cough, and my whole system seemed debilitated. My teachers advised me to leave school and not pursue my studies further till my health should improve. It was the hardest struggle of my young life to yield to my feebleness and decide that I must leave my studies and give up the hope of gaining an education.{1T 13.1}[14]
Three years later I made another trial to obtain an education. But when I attempted to resume my studies, my health rapidly failed, and it became apparent that if I remained in school, it would be at the expense of my life. I did not attend school after I was twelve years old.{1T 13.2}[15]
My ambition to become a scholar had been very great, and when I pondered over my disappointed hopes, and the thought that I was to be an invalid for life, I was unreconciled to my lot and at times murmured against the providence of God in thus afflicting me. Had I opened my mind to my mother, she might have instructed, soothed, and encouraged me; but I concealed my troubled feelings from my family and friends, fearing that they could not understand me. The happy confidence in my Saviour's love that I had enjoyed during my illness was gone. My prospect of worldly enjoyment was blighted, and heaven seemed closed against me.{1T 13.3}[16]
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