1903年1月27日写于加利福尼亚州疗养院，“榆园”
致阿伦左·T·琼斯，C.H.琼斯和M.C.威尔科克斯
我亲爱的身居要职的弟兄们：
我今天早上收到了你们的信，会立刻回复。{PC 124.1}
哈珀兄弟上周来到圣赫勒那，特别是为了向我提出即将举行的总会的地点问题。他告诉我，如果总会在希尔兹堡举行，那里教会的兄弟姐妹们愿意免费招待代表们。他问我是否有什么优选的地方要说。我告诉他，如果我在决定这事上有什么发言权，如果希尔兹堡教会提议免费招待代表们，总会就会在希尔兹堡举行;因为在那里举行会比在奥克兰举行更符合主所赐要尽可能离开城市的亮光。{PC 124.2}
我认为，要是在希尔兹堡的弟兄姐妹们愿意做我蒙告知他们很想要做的事，在今年的这个时候在那里举行总会就会比在奥克兰举行可取得多。我知道奥克兰招待大批人入住的条件很有限，而且价格昂贵。{PC 124.3}
我希望我的个人喜好在决定会议将在何处举行方面没有特别的影响;因为主的灵若不特别使我确信我有责任出席，我就不会出席，无论会议在哪里举行。如果我知道我会不得不参加会议，我可能会表示我优选希尔兹堡作为会议的地点;因为我可以驾车过去，让我的马和马车在任何时候都可以使用，必要的时候可以回来。{PC 124.4}
目前，我最明显地害怕参加帐篷大会或会议。当我出席这种聚会时，我就会清楚有力地就一些问题发言;因为除了讲真话，我不敢做别的。在这样的时候，我承受的负担是非常沉重的。自从回到美国以来，我参加会议的经历一直是最痛苦的;因为我的努力似乎没有效果。所作的见证给我的心灵带来很大的负担，却似乎没有成就什么来改变局面。这些见证遭到臆测，并没有改革现有的罪恶。{PC 124.5}
眼下我的勇气不是最好的。自从弗雷斯诺帐篷大会以来，我负着南方园地的担子，直接反对作领袖的弟兄们的计划。我对这些人中的一些人已经失去了信心，不再相信他们是受上帝教导和指示的。如果他们是受上帝教导和指示的，我就不是在教导主的道路了。因此我确信我的位置是在家里。我若避免压倒性的重担，就能继续写作。每当我参加一个聚会，那里若有我知道不是在遵行上帝旨意的人，这些负担就会临到我身上。我不想再面对这样的事情了;因为这似乎是无用的。我渴望退休，如果主愿意让我退休，我就要退休。{PC 124.6}
怀爱伦(签名)
(来自保尔森医生的选集)
27-Jan-03
January 27, 1903-8-J. -27-“Elmshaven,” Sanitarium, California
January 27, 1903Alonzo T. Jones, C. H. Jones, and M. C. Wilcox.
My dear Brethren in Positions of Trust,
I received your letter this morning, and will respond at once. {PC 124.1}
Brother Harper came to St. Helena last week especially to lay before me the question of the location of the General Conference soon to be held. He told me that the brethren and sisters of the Healdsburg church offered to entertain the delegates free of cost, if the General Conference would be held there. He asked if I had any preference to express. I told him that if the Healdsburg church proposed to entertain the delegates free, the Conference would be held at Healdsburg, if I had any voice in deciding this matter; for to hold it there would be much more in accordance with the light given to leave the cities as much as possible, than holding it in Oakland would be. {PC 124.2}
I thought that if the brethren and sisters at Healdsburg would do what I was told they were so desirous of doing, to hold the Conference there would be much more desirable than to hold it in Oakland at this time of the year. I knew that accommodations in Oakland for entertaining to large a company were very limited, and expensive.?{PC 124.3}
I desire my personal preferences to have no special influence in determining where the Conference shall be held; for unless specially convinced by the Spirit of the Lord that it is my duty to be present, I will not attend, no matter where the meeting may be held. If I knew that I should have to attend the Conference, I might express my preference for Healdsburg as the location; for I could drive over, and have my horse and carriage there to use at any time, and to return when necessary.?{PC 124.4}
At present, I most decidedly dread to attend either camp meetings or Conferences. When present at such meetings, I am reigned up to speak plainly and strongly in regard to matters; for I dare not do otherwise than to tell the truth. The burden that comes upon me at such times is very heavy. The experiences I have passed through in attending meetings since returning to America, have been most afflicting; for it seems as if my efforts are of none effect. The testimonies borne bring upon me a great burden of soul, and seem to accomplish so little to change the order of things. The testimonies are speculated upon, and do not reform existing evils.?{PC 124.5}
Just now my courage is not the best. Since the Fresno camp meeting, I have carried the burden of the Southern field in direct opposition to the plans of leading brethren. I have?lost confidence in some of these men as being taught and directed of God. If they are thus taught and directed, I am not teaching the way of the Lord. Therefore I am convinced that my place is at home. I can continue to write, if I avoid the crushing burdens that overwhelm me. And these burdens come upon me whenever I attend a meeting where there are men whom I know are not walking in the counsel of God. I care not to face such matters any longer; for it seems useless. I long for retirement, and I mean to have it, if it be the Lord’s will to give it to me.?{PC 124.6}
(Signed)Ellen G. White
(From Doctor Paulson’s Collection) -
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